Celebrity Death Haiku

Jane Russell

1921–2011

Full figured outlaw
That gentlemen preferred more
Than any old blonde

— Dr. Vitz

 

Maria Schneider

1952 – 2011

Best known for getting
Buttered up by Brando for
That one last tango

— Russell 1000

Eddie Fisher

1928 – 2010

Left Debbie for Liz
To be left for Dick Burton
But left us Leia

— Dr. Vitz

* * *

Crooner in the age
Of rock and roll's ascension
Missed it by that much

— Lairbo

* * *

Career blown to bits
By Elvis, private life shot
To hell by himself

— O'Cyrus

* * *

When she married him
Liz was just getting warmed up
Four down, four to go

— Lairbo

* * *

Couldn't compete with
Elvis or Sinatra, but still
Got around plenty

— Russell 1000

Daniel Schorr

1916 – 2010

Pissed off Krushchev then
Wound up on Nixon's shit list.
Now, there's your headline

— Lairbo

* * * 

Late of CBS,
CNN and NPR;
Now just flat out late

— Roger Rabid

George Steinbrenner

 1930 – 2010

Suspicious timing:
Did George decide he had to
Fire Bob Sheppard?

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Here's hoping Billy
Martin is among the first
Five people he meets

— Roger Rabid

* * *

George, bring me my lunch
Larry voiced me on Seinfeld
Calzones are the best

— Sue Weiand

Tuli Kupferberg

1923 – 2010

One of the first Beats
His luck to outlive them all
And die unnoticed

— Jeff Tiedrich

Harvey Pekar

1939 – 2010

Wherever he is
Now, I'm sure he's complaining
About how it sucks

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Very bad week for
Cleveland; first LeBron leaves, now
Harvey Pekar's dead

— Lairbo

Dennnis Hopper

1936 – 2010

Outlaw or outcast
His madness was all Method
Except the drugs part

— Lairbo

* * *

Almost always cast
To play some psycho. My guess:
He wasn't acting

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

James Dean wannabee
Easy Rode mostly downhill
But had his moments

— Babatjie

* * *

Easy riding man
Finally hits the highway
Wonder if he knows

— Meanie the Blue

* * *

His career's wild ride 
Through Hollywood wasn't so
Easy after all

— Roger Rabid

Gary Coleman

1968 – 2010

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout
Dana? Whatchoo mean I'm dead?
Where's the hell's Willis?

— Lairbo

* * *

Success in youth but
We wonder if he ever learned
Whatchu talkin' 'bout

— Dr. Vitz

* * *

Cheeky little guy
Came from way out of nowhere
Went back awful soon

Meanie the Blue

Moishe Rosen

1932 – 2010

Moishe said it was
Kosher to accept Jesus ...
Did Yahweh buy it?

— Babatjie

Malcolm McLaren

1946 – 2010

Malcolm McLaren

Probably would have claimed he

Invented death, too

— Jeff Tiedrich

Fran Lee

1910 – 2010

City dwellers who

Carry dog poop in a bag

Have Fran Lee to thank

— Jeff Tiedrich

Jim Carroll

1949 – 2009

A Catholic Boy

Joins his friends who have died, died

It still beats Riker's

— Meanie the Blue

Edward "Ted" Kennedy

1932 – 2009

Symbol to many

Of whatever they needed

To hope for or hate

— Russell 1000

* * *

Some can't forgive his

Not dying young to round out

Tragic trifecta

— Phil Valens

Robert Novak

1931 – 2009

Robert Novak's death

Makes me ask; when Satan dies,

Where does he end up?

— Jeff Tiedrich

Frederick "The Reverend Ike" Eikerenkoetter II

1935 – 2009

Preached power within

Each and every one of our

Wallets — Praise the Lord!

—Lairbo

* * *

Fleeced flock with vision

Of riches past wildest dreams

Although his, not theirs

— Phil Valens

* * *

Preached lack of money

As root of evil and made

Sure he rolled in it

— Russell 1000

* * *

Curse not (he said) the 

Wealthy — enlightenment is

Riches' by-product

— Philco

Jeff Goldblum Death Hoax

June 26, 2009 – June 30, 2009

Luckily, we can't write 

Haiku faster than rumors

Prove to be hoaxes

— Lairbo

* * *

Death by cliff plunge

Whenever in New Zealand

Is probably fake

— Russell 1000

* * *

Don't know if you're dead?

Celebs check here for haiku

None before its time

— Meanie the Blue

Robert McNamara

1916 – 2009

Bob McNamara

Years later, regretted war

Forgive him? Fuck that!

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * * 

Against the Edsel

But for the Vietnam War

Better luck next life

— Russell 1000

* * *

The stooped man looks up.

Counting the dead. Such numbers.

The heart is too late.

— PK

* * *

What's that you're saying?

Heck, no, I didn't just die!

I'm winning, I swear

— Meanie the Blue

Michael Jackson

 

1958 – 2009

Lost childhood to fame

And fortune couldn't buy it

Back at any price

— Lairbo

* * *

His fan base stayed big

His noses and sanity,

However, did not

—Phil Valens

* * *

Outlived his career

But not his celebrity

Lost boy to the end

—Russell 1000

* * *

Fifty years ago?

Twiddely diddely dee

Impossibly sad

— Meanie the Blue

* * *

Michael Jackson's dead.

Not just his nose this time but

The rest of him, too

—JJ

* * *

Wacko Jacko dead

Parents of young boys relieved

Plastic surgeons weep

 — Jelly the Big

Farrah Fawcett

1947 — 2009

Object of desire

She launched a thousand hairdos

And many wet dreams

— Phil Valens

* * * 

Defined what's sexy

On your wall and in your dreams

For quite some time there

— Lairbo

* * *

After all these years

Tell me that poster's not hot

I mean, look at her!

— Russell 1000

* * *

Farrah Fawcett croaks

Upstaged in obit pages

Like Aldous Huxley

— Adrian Johnson

Marilyn Chambers

1952 – 2009

When a porn star dies 

Is making a "half mast" joke 

Just too obvious? 

— Jeff Tiedrich

Eartha Kitt

1927 – 2008

Purr for me, baby

Catwoman uses up all

Nine lives and then some

— Phil Valens

Mark "Deep Throat" Felt

1913 – 2008

Did a lot of good

For mostly the wrong reasons

Then kept his mouth shut

— Lairbo

* * * 

Mark Felt was Deep Throat

Woodward, Bernstein await call

On God's cover-ups

— Adrian M. Johnson

Bettie Page

1923 – 2008

Kitten with a whip

You prefer handcuffs and rope?

Your wish, her command

— Lairbo

Bobby Fischer

1943 – 2008

Chess world wunderkind
Prodigy then pariah
Ubernerd gone bad

— Lairbo