Celebrity Death Haiku

James “The Amazing” Randi

1928-2020

The skeptic’s skeptic
Called out paranormal fraud
We need more like him

—Abbey Rhodes

Wowed us by pointing
Out bullshit we should have seen
Coming a mile off

—Phil Valens

Just for exposing
Uri Geller, we owe him
Tons of gratitude

—Tom Morrow

 

Ari Behn

1972-2019

A man by a fire.
Do you believe in magic?
Kill them with kindness?

--Gomer Skelly

 

Neil Armstrong

1930–2012

Did he ever, on 
A moonlit night, glance up, wink
And say, 'Hi, gorgeous'

— O'Cyrus

* * *

Buzz watched from behind
As once again Neil was first
To take giant leap

— Dr. Vitz 

Helen Gurley Brown

1922–2012

Knew her audience
Better than they knew themselves;
Cheese for mouseburgers

— O'Cyrus

* * *

Did death tap its foot
While she finished dressing or
Roll its eyes and wait?

— Russell 1000 

Steven Covey

1932–2012

Seven habits of 
Highly effective people
Would include breathing

— E. Basil St. Blaise

 

LeRoy Neiman

1921—2012

His true artistry
Was the way he lived; and, yeah
That giant mustache

— G. Runyon

* * *

Did what he loved and
Got paid for it handsomely
Suck it, art critics

— O'Cyrus

 

Christopher Hitchens

1949–2011

Often made me mad.
Always made me think about
Why he'd made me mad

— Lairbo

* * *

Brilliant or blowhard?
We won't know until all of
His friends are dead, too

— Russell 1000

 

Andy Rooney

1919–2011

'Ja ever notice
How stiff and cold I've become?
Why 'ja think that is?

— Jeff Tiedrich

 * * *

Having run out of
Complaints in this life, he is
On to the next one

— Ishallah 

 

Betty Ford

1918–2011

If we voted for
First Ladies, Betty would've
Been a two-termer

— Lairbo

* * *

Made celebrity
Sobriety hip and, for
Some, habitual

— Roger Rabid

 

Jack Kervorkian

1928-2011

Suicide's salesman
When facing his own decline
Waited for Reaper

-- Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

As professional
Courtesy, Angel of Death
Says, "I got this one."

 -- Lairbo

* * *

So, did he get a
Little help from his friends or
Just die natcherly?

-- O'Cyrus

 

Owsley Stanley

1935 – 2011

If not for Owsley
Trips might have been just as long
But a lot less strange

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Bear's choice recipe
Crossed a diamond with a pearl
Many stared at hands

— Dr. Vitz

 

 

Milton M. Levine

1913 – 2011

Proved baby boomers
Will watch anything on a
Glass rectangle

— Lairbo

 

Jack LaLanne

1914 – 2011

Undeterred by death
LaLanne's corpse will pull his hearse
To prove his fitness

— Dr. Vitz

 

Elaine Kaufman

1929 – 2010

Ran NYC den
That pampered the famous while
Tourists ate in back

— Dr. Vitz

 

Bob Guccione

1930 – 2010

Playboy philosophy
Obsoleted by Penthouse
Gynecology

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * * 

Vanessa Williams 
Totally owes her career
To that photo shoot

— Inshallah

* * * 

Nobody ever
Pretended to read Penthouse
For the articles

— Russell 1000

* * *

Created forum
About sex for those with no
Imagination

— P.J. Guillemot

* * *
Penthouse to outhouse
Gooch's goo-goo eyes could make
Caligula blush

— St. Blaise

* * *

Dear Penthouse Forum
Never thought heaven was real
Might be when Bob comes

— Dr. Vitz

 

 

 

Benoit Mandelbrot

1924 – 2010

Mandelbrot's coffin
Is a set of rectangles
That hardly seems fair

— Jeff Tiedrich

 

Patricia Neal

1926 – 2010

More than just a face
In the crowd and, more often
Than not, in harm's way

— Philco

* * *

Tough on the outside
But vulnerable within
Thinking man's Crawford

— Jeff Tiedrich

John Callahan

1951 – 2010

Didn't get far on 
Foot, but pushed every limit
There was with his pen

— Lairbo

Daniel Schorr

1916 – 2010

Pissed off Krushchev then
Wound up on Nixon's shit list.
Now, there's your headline

— Lairbo

* * * 

Late of CBS,
CNN and NPR;
Now just flat out late

— Roger Rabid

Tuli Kupferberg

1923 – 2010

One of the first Beats
His luck to outlive them all
And die unnoticed

— Jeff Tiedrich

Harvey Pekar

1939 – 2010

Wherever he is
Now, I'm sure he's complaining
About how it sucks

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Very bad week for
Cleveland; first LeBron leaves, now
Harvey Pekar's dead

— Lairbo

Chris Haney

1950 – 2010

Trivial Pursuit:
Hours spent on useless facts
Today there's Google

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Turned Baby Boomers'
Nostalgia about themselves
Into a fortune

— Lairbo

Gary Coleman

1968 – 2010

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout
Dana? Whatchoo mean I'm dead?
Where's the hell's Willis?

— Lairbo

* * *

Success in youth but
We wonder if he ever learned
Whatchu talkin' 'bout

— Dr. Vitz

* * *

Cheeky little guy
Came from way out of nowhere
Went back awful soon

Meanie the Blue

Leslie Buck

1922 – 2010

Cops, commuters and

Kvetches drank from his icon

It was Greek to us

— Lairbo

* * *

Only character

That's been with Law & Order

Since the beginning

— O'Cyrus

* * *

Iconic cup for 

Regular joes on the go

The anti Starbuck

— Russell 1000

Ralph Snodsmith

1939 – 2010

"First-time caller, love

Your show. Ralph, what's the best way

To push up daisies?"

— Jeff Tiedrich