Celebrity Death Haiku

Hugo Chavez

1954–2013

Chavez hated us
But enough time and pressure
Could make him our fuel

—Dr. Vitz

 

Gore Vidal

1925–2012

With pen sharp and tongue
Sharper venomous Vidal
Gored all sacred cows

— E. Basil St. Blaise

 

John M. Shalikashvili

1936–2011

From draftee to top
Brass hat; agreed not to ask
Hoping no one'd tell

— Russell 1000

* * *

Shalikashvili's
Name alone wasted entire
Line of death haiku

— Dr. Vitz

 

 

Betty Ford

1918–2011

If we voted for
First Ladies, Betty would've
Been a two-termer

— Lairbo

* * *

Made celebrity
Sobriety hip and, for
Some, habitual

— Roger Rabid

 

Geraldine Ferraro

1935–2011

Never stood a chance
But still managed to stand for
Something, nonetheless

— Russell 1000

 * * *

At least if she'd got 
Near the White House she'd have know
What to do with it

— Roger Rabid

 

David Frye

1934 – 2011

It was uncanny — 
I mean, you could have sworn that
Nixon died again

— Jeff Tiedrich

 * * *

Meader (Kennedy),
Frye (Nixon), Hartman (Clinton) . . .
Look out, Tina Fey

— Russell 1000 

Sargent Shriver

1915 – 2011

Camelot in-law
Did the heavy lifting of
Public servitude

— Russell 1000

 

Theodore Sorensen

1928 – 2010

Ask not what the land
Did for Sorensen, ask how
He'll enrich the soil

— Dr. Vitz

* * * 

Kennedy's wordsmith
Intellectual blood bank
Fuel on the flame

— Russell 1000

* * *

Wasn't Camelot
He said; what followed only
Made it seem that way

— Roger Rabid

 

Daniel Schorr

1916 – 2010

Pissed off Krushchev then
Wound up on Nixon's shit list.
Now, there's your headline

— Lairbo

* * * 

Late of CBS,
CNN and NPR;
Now just flat out late

— Roger Rabid

Alexander Haig

1924 – 2010

Maybe we'd have been

Better off if he'd been in 

Control at the time

— Russell 1000

Corazon Aquino

1933 – 2009

Stepped in when Marcos

Got kicked out; Philippines' first 

People-powered prez

— Lairbo

* * *

Opened the door for

Philippine democracy

It took all she had

— Russell 1000

Saddam Hussein

1937 – 2006

Everything you want
In a loony dictator
Except WMD

— Russell 1000

 

Phil Hartman

1948 – 1998

Man of a thousand
Voices; sadly, also a
Crazed wife with a gun

— Lairbo

   

Richard Nixon

1912 – 1994

We don't have Nixon

To kick around anymore — 

But Satan does! Ha!

— Jeff Tiedrich

Ling-Ling

1969 – 1992

Like so many who

Go to DC, she didn't

Produce anything

— Phil Valens

Ferdinand Marcos

1917 – 1989

After Ferdy's fall

Filipinos fretted, who'd 

Fill Imelda's shoes?

— St. Blaise

Leonid Brezhnev

1907 – 1982

His eyebrows alone

Might have won Cold War; lucky

Our side had Teller's

— Phil Valens

Golda Meir

1898 – 1978

Before Happy Days,
Most notable person to
Come from Milwaukee

— Roger Rabbid

 

Lyndon B. Johnson

1908 – 1973

What he did to his
Beagles was nothing compared
To his rivals' fates

— Russell 1000

 

Charles DeGaulle

1890 – 1970

Hero in his own

Nation, but a pain in the

Ass to most others'

— Lairbo

 

William Henry Harrison

1773–1841

It wouldn't have killed
Him to put on a coat and
Hat in that weather

— Lairbo

 

Jack Ruby

1911 – 1967

They picked the right guy
For the job; took his secrets
With him to the grave

— Russell 1000 

Joseph P. Kennedy

1888 – 1969

All four of his sons
Together couldn't match him
For sheer ruthlessness

— Abby Rhodes

* * *

Tactless diplomat
At a crucial time; his sons
Paid for it later

— Russell 1000

 

Huey Long

1893 – 1935

All the Kingfish's 
Men still sing his praises, those
Opposed still vote nay

— O'Cyrus

Marilyn Monroe

1926 – 1962

Lover of playwrights,
Presidents, ballplayers — God
Knows who the hell else

— Roger Rabid

* * *

Needed more love than
Men, the movies and public
Acclaim could give her

— O'Cyrus

* * *

At least she didn't
Have to read Mailer's jack-off 
Tribute books to her

— Lairbo