Celebrity Death Haiku

Fran Lee

1910 – 2010

City dwellers who

Carry dog poop in a bag

Have Fran Lee to thank

— Jeff Tiedrich

Jim Carroll

1949 – 2009

A Catholic Boy

Joins his friends who have died, died

It still beats Riker's

— Meanie the Blue

Edward "Ted" Kennedy

1932 – 2009

Symbol to many

Of whatever they needed

To hope for or hate

— Russell 1000

* * *

Some can't forgive his

Not dying young to round out

Tragic trifecta

— Phil Valens

Robert Novak

1931 – 2009

Robert Novak's death

Makes me ask; when Satan dies,

Where does he end up?

— Jeff Tiedrich

Frederick "The Reverend Ike" Eikerenkoetter II

1935 – 2009

Preached power within

Each and every one of our

Wallets — Praise the Lord!

—Lairbo

* * *

Fleeced flock with vision

Of riches past wildest dreams

Although his, not theirs

— Phil Valens

* * *

Preached lack of money

As root of evil and made

Sure he rolled in it

— Russell 1000

* * *

Curse not (he said) the 

Wealthy — enlightenment is

Riches' by-product

— Philco

Jeff Goldblum Death Hoax

June 26, 2009 – June 30, 2009

Luckily, we can't write 

Haiku faster than rumors

Prove to be hoaxes

— Lairbo

* * *

Death by cliff plunge

Whenever in New Zealand

Is probably fake

— Russell 1000

* * *

Don't know if you're dead?

Celebs check here for haiku

None before its time

— Meanie the Blue

Robert McNamara

1916 – 2009

Bob McNamara

Years later, regretted war

Forgive him? Fuck that!

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * * 

Against the Edsel

But for the Vietnam War

Better luck next life

— Russell 1000

* * *

The stooped man looks up.

Counting the dead. Such numbers.

The heart is too late.

— PK

* * *

What's that you're saying?

Heck, no, I didn't just die!

I'm winning, I swear

— Meanie the Blue

Michael Jackson

 

1958 – 2009

Lost childhood to fame

And fortune couldn't buy it

Back at any price

— Lairbo

* * *

His fan base stayed big

His noses and sanity,

However, did not

—Phil Valens

* * *

Outlived his career

But not his celebrity

Lost boy to the end

—Russell 1000

* * *

Fifty years ago?

Twiddely diddely dee

Impossibly sad

— Meanie the Blue

* * *

Michael Jackson's dead.

Not just his nose this time but

The rest of him, too

—JJ

* * *

Wacko Jacko dead

Parents of young boys relieved

Plastic surgeons weep

 — Jelly the Big

Farrah Fawcett

1947 — 2009

Object of desire

She launched a thousand hairdos

And many wet dreams

— Phil Valens

* * * 

Defined what's sexy

On your wall and in your dreams

For quite some time there

— Lairbo

* * *

After all these years

Tell me that poster's not hot

I mean, look at her!

— Russell 1000

* * *

Farrah Fawcett croaks

Upstaged in obit pages

Like Aldous Huxley

— Adrian Johnson

Marilyn Chambers

1952 – 2009

When a porn star dies 

Is making a "half mast" joke 

Just too obvious? 

— Jeff Tiedrich

Eartha Kitt

1927 – 2008

Purr for me, baby

Catwoman uses up all

Nine lives and then some

— Phil Valens

Mark "Deep Throat" Felt

1913 – 2008

Did a lot of good

For mostly the wrong reasons

Then kept his mouth shut

— Lairbo

* * * 

Mark Felt was Deep Throat

Woodward, Bernstein await call

On God's cover-ups

— Adrian M. Johnson

Bettie Page

1923 – 2008

Kitten with a whip

You prefer handcuffs and rope?

Your wish, her command

— Lairbo

Bobby Fischer

1943 – 2008

Chess world wunderkind
Prodigy then pariah
Ubernerd gone bad

— Lairbo

Ike Turner

1931 – 2007

Proud Mary aside,
His most memorable hits
Were those on Tina

— Lairbo

Leona Helmsley

1920 – 2007

Leona Helmsley

Guess the Donald won this round

So long Queen of Mean

— Prince Valiant

Avoided taxes
(Those are for little people)
But couldn't dodge death

— Lairbo

Anna Nicole (Smith)

1967 – 2007

Anna Anna An
Na Anna Anna Nicole
Anna Anna dead
— Greta Paulson

* * *

Betrayed by those near
And — she thought — dear, who instead
Lead her to slaughter
— Lairbo

* * *

Famed for figure, fat
Foolishness, no reason, then
Just for being dead
— Russell 1000

James Brown

1933 – 2006

Godfather of Soul
He felt good, but now he's dead
James Brown is gone — Owww!

— Lairbo

Ken Lay

1942 – 2006

Ken Lay powers down
The deadest guy in the room
Gets out of jail free

— Lairbo

Johnny Paycheck

1938 – 2003

Took his career and

Shoved it; paid dearly for his

Offstage outlaw life

— Lairbo

Tiny Tim

1932 – 1996

He used to tiptoe

Through the tulips, but now he's 

Pushing up daisies.

— Russell 1000

Richard Nixon

1912 – 1994

We don't have Nixon

To kick around anymore — 

But Satan does! Ha!

— Jeff Tiedrich

Frank Zappa

1940 – 1992

Iconoclast in 

Rock star drag. . . or was it the

Other way around?

— Lairbo

Bette Davis

1908 – 1989

Career arc went from 

Babe to bitch to Baby Jane

Worked every time

— Lairbo

Ferdinand Marcos

1917 – 1989

After Ferdy's fall

Filipinos fretted, who'd 

Fill Imelda's shoes?

— St. Blaise