Celebrity Death Haiku

Van Cliburn

1934-2013

Outplayed the commies
While a grateful America
Pretended to care

— Jeff Tiedrich

Helen Gurley Brown

1922–2012

Knew her audience
Better than they knew themselves;
Cheese for mouseburgers

— O'Cyrus

* * *

Did death tap its foot
While she finished dressing or
Roll its eyes and wait?

— Russell 1000 

Cheetah

19??–2011

Chimp Cheetah played fair
Flinging feces at bad guys,
Not Tarzan and Jane

— Basil St. Blaise

* * * 

Noble Cheetah slipped
On Big Banana Peel, joins
Johnny Weismuller

— Basil St. Blaise

* * *

 

 

Joe Frazier

1944–2011

Took down The Greatest
Nearly killed him in Thrilla
Smokin' without grill

— Dr. Vitz

 * * *

Let's turn to Cosell
For the last words on Smokin' Joe:
"And down goes Frazier!"

— Jeff Tiedrich

 

Andy Rooney

1919–2011

'Ja ever notice
How stiff and cold I've become?
Why 'ja think that is?

— Jeff Tiedrich

 * * *

Having run out of
Complaints in this life, he is
On to the next one

— Ishallah 

 

Steve Jobs

1955–2011

Jobs has a new gig:
convincing the living that
death's insanely great

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Having changed our world
Jobs is no doubt now changing
Whatever comes next

— Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Cannot imagine
How many read his obit  
On a Mac product

— Inshallah

* * *

With the death of Jobs  
The Apple War is over ...  
Paul McCartney wins!

— Inshallah

Betty Ford

1918–2011

If we voted for
First Ladies, Betty would've
Been a two-termer

— Lairbo

* * *

Made celebrity
Sobriety hip and, for
Some, habitual

— Roger Rabid

 

George C. Ballas

1925-2011

Knew how many weeds
A Weed Whacker could whack, if...
You can guess the rest

—Roger Rabid

 

Leonard B. Stern

1923-2011

Leonard B. Stern has
[farted]. We mourn his [boner].
We will all [poop] him.

-- Jeff Tiedrich

* * *

Mad Libs, Get Smart,
And The Honeymooners, too?!
Man was a genius

-- O'Cyrus

Jackie Cooper

1922–2011

No matter what he 
Showed up in, you were always
Happy to see him

— Lairbo

 

Elizabeth Taylor

1932 - 2011

Many husbands and
Violet eyes we'd die for...
If she hadn't first 

-- Dr. Vitz

* * *

And you think you have
A hard time remembering
Anniversaries

-- Loren Ipsum

* * *

Her beauty upstaged
Her talent, her marriages
Overshadowed both

-- Roger Rabbid

 * * *

Hilton, Wilding, Todd
Fisher, Burton and Burton,
Warner, Fortensky

— Lairbo

 

Jane Russell

1921–2011

Full figured outlaw
That gentlemen preferred more
Than any old blonde

— Dr. Vitz

 

Suze Rotolo

1943–2011

Brushed off her brush with
Someone else's fame, alright
She didn't look back

— Lairbo

 

Kenneth Mars

1936 – 2011

A funeral is 
An ugly think, und, I think
It's time to have mine

— Roger Rabid

 

Maria Schneider

1952 – 2011

Best known for getting
Buttered up by Brando for
That one last tango

— Russell 1000

John Barry

1933 – 2011

Nobody did it
Better (music to spy by)
Barry, John Barry

— Lairbo

 

Milton M. Levine

1913 – 2011

Proved baby boomers
Will watch anything on a
Glass rectangle

— Lairbo

 

David Frye

1934 – 2011

It was uncanny — 
I mean, you could have sworn that
Nixon died again

— Jeff Tiedrich

 * * *

Meader (Kennedy),
Frye (Nixon), Hartman (Clinton) . . .
Look out, Tina Fey

— Russell 1000 

Susannah York

1939 – 2011

Major reason that
Women with British accents
Always get me hot

— Roger Rabid

 

Jack LaLanne

1914 – 2011

Undeterred by death
LaLanne's corpse will pull his hearse
To prove his fitness

— Dr. Vitz

 

Don Kirshner

1934 – 2011

Sullivan in a
Leisure suit, only stiffer
And never blinking

— Lairbo

* * *

Impresario
For bubblegum and rock stars
But kept nerdy style

— Dr. Vitz

 

David Nelson

1936 – 2011

Trying to picture
Him, all I see is Wally,
Beav's older brother

— Roger Rabid

* * *

Why David Nelson?
'Cause every family
Needs its own Zeppo

— Jeff Tiedrich

 

Peter Yates

1929 – 2011

Yates had us watching
Bullitt in San Fran streets and
Bisset in towel

— Dr. Vitz

* * *

Tony Bennett left
His heart in San Francisco.
Peter Yates? Skidmarks

— Roger Rabid

 

Gerry Rafferty

1947 – 2011

He leaves Baker Street
Rafferty starts afterlife
Stuck in the middle?

— Dr. Vitz

* * *

Dirt to the left of
Me, dirt to the right, stuck in
A coffin with you

— Jeff Tiedrich

 

 

 

Don "Captain Beefheart" Van Vliet

1941 – 2010

Van Vliet was a fraud!
First, he lied about his rank.
And his heart? Human.

— Jeff Tiedrich